There's a tiger in my bed
by Limited-Fantasy
Summary: Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Steve Rogers, and Thor go to Las Vegas for a wild night. When they all wake up, they find their hotel room trashed and Steve missing! A Hangover-inspired story.
1. Morning After

Tony was used to waking up in expensive hotels with hangovers, he really was. What Tony was not used to waking up with, though, was a sleeping tiger, which totally justified his unmanly shriek and subsequent tumble from the bed.

The tiger woke up just as the not-so-iron-man scrambled out and slammed the door shut. He could hear growls and scratching from the other side, but thankfully tigers didn't know how to use doorknobs (or he hoped this one didn't...after that one incident at the Zoo a few months back, he still sometimes suspected that flamingos had secret thumbs).

Inching away from his room, he finally realized that he was still dressed, which was a relief (because while Tony was a tiger wild thing in bed, he drew the line on screwing things with tails), but it didn't explain why he was wearing a hot-pink silk shirt and...were those purple spandex glitter shorts?

Maybe he should've stayed in the room with the tiger.

A groan came from the bathroom to his left and he turned. It was like something out of a horror film when he saw a bloodstained hand reach up and grab the edge of the tub. When that hand's owner (Clint) stumbled upright ass naked, Tony wasn't sure if he was awake and not in some horrible nightmare.

"...what happened?" Clint slurred, rubbing his blood-covered hands over his tired eyes. He didn't even seem to notice that someone had drawn a goddamned smiley face and a downward arrow just above his groin. And really, there were some things Tony would've preferred not to know about his fellow teammates (whether or not they shaved certain areas being one of them).

Just as he was going to either reply (or scream, Tony honestly wasn't sure which one would be better while he had a slamming hangover and horrible images forever burned into his mind), there was a shrill cry from the living room and a pained rumble like thunder. Thor!

Deciding to abandon bleary-eyed, naked Clint, Tony clapped his hands over his ears and shuffled out to a ruined living room of their presidential suite. In the middle of a mess of feather down and ripped pillows was Thor, holding a baby upside down at arm's length, looking very, very confused. Tony decided that maybe his ears might bleed, but seeing as Thor was dressed (albeit in a slinky red sequined dress and smeared make up), was still better than naked Clint and the tiger in his bed.


	2. What they remember

"Right, thanks again, Althea-yes, Caesar's Palace. See you in a bit, then." Tony ended the call and placed his phone on the only remaining non-shattered coffee table.

Clint was holding a pillowcase over his crotch while frowning down at the weird smiley-face-and-arrow tattoo he'd apparently acquired last night. Thor, once he'd managed to hold the baby the right way, was now cradling the baby in his bulky arms, beaming down at the baby. With his awfully done and smeared make up, Thor looked like a clown that had a night job at some gay bordello.

Clearing his throat, Tony took a seat on the floor with the other two, pulling his game face on.

"So Steve is still missing and I'm pretty sure we can rule out the possibility of him being in my bedroom, because the tiger would be either dead or knocked out by now." As if it heard Tony mentioning it, the tiger gave out another loud growl and clawed even more viciously at the door.

"I just called up a friend of mine from Gucci and we'll be able to get some real clothes in half an hour." At this, both Thor and Clint looked very relieved. The baby gurgled its approval while stuffing a lock of Thor's hair into its mouth.

"So, for the time being, do either of you know what happened last night?"

"Well, I got this tattoo somewhere and Thor got a baby," Clint offered helpfully.

Tony looked at Thor, whose brow was furrowed. He could almost hear Thor's brain grinding in an effort to overcome his headache and think. Outside, he could already hear thunder.

"Thor?"

"My apologies, friends, but I cannot recall any of the previous evening's entertainments. This is most disturbing."

No one disagreed with Thor. Whatever they'd taken last night had to have been some strong stuff if it could even drug an Asgardian into forgetfulness, which made Tony really uneasy. Sure Steve couldn't get drunk, but what were the chances that his super metabolism could've saved him from the same surreal fate as the rest of them?

Tony suddenly had a nauseating mental image of Steve waking up in a bed full of drag queens in bondage.

Shaking his head to clear his mind of the disturbing thought, Tony got up and grabbed the hotel notepad and pen.

"Well, let's try thinking back earlier, then, guys. I remember that we went out to have some fantastic pasta before hitting up the casinos last night. What happened next?"

"Well, Thor hit the jackpot on a slot machine and we decided to celebrate by going to a strip show," Clint added. Thor smiled fondly at the memory, not even caring that the baby was tugging and clawing at another clump of his hair.

"Aye. The Midgardian dancers were most pleasing." Thor's eyes lost their focus as he drifted back to the memory of practically every single stripper coming to give him special attention. Tony frowned at the memory though, a little offended still that none of them gave him a second look when they saw Thor. Clint mirrored Tony's expression and feelings about the matter.

"Well yeah, alright, we all remember that. After that, I think I bought a bar and called a few of those girls over to drink with us." Now that wasn't as bad of a memory as the strip club. Tony smiled slightly as he scribbled down some notes, recalling fondly one particular blonde with baby blue eyes and curves to die for.

After that, no one spoke for several long minutes. Eyes darted from one Avenger to another, as if waiting for someone to mention another memory. When no one volunteered, Tony decided it was time for a different strategy.

"Why don't we look around this place for receipts or other things that might trigger our memories?" Tony suggested.

Clint and Thor looked around and grudgingly nodded. If it weren't for the fact that Steve was missing, none of them would've bothered because at the moment, from the look of all the feathers, ripped pillows, splinters, and gods know what else, the search might take hours.


End file.
